Are you just an Ant?

The movie the "Bucket List", (BTW, a must see IMHO) has a great quote:

"We Live, We Die, and The wheels on the bus go round and round"

I'm not so sure that it really is that simple, or maybe it just is, yet I would like to believe we are all here for a purpose. Maybe not a great humanity changing purpose.

Yet, most days, I feel like an ant, yes, those tiny insects running around in crazy paths. They seem to be doing nothing, but in fact are take care of the basic needs of their colony, the family.

In contrast to the vast size of the universe we live in, we are all ants! Yeah, some of the these ants have helped the colony, or civilization. They have made major leaps in production, energy, and least I not mention the great jumps in technology. Yet at the end of the day are we more than just a bigger version and hopefully smarter form of an ant.

Look around, look up...save the planet...do you think this planet needs us...we might want to start focusing on saving the big ants, and the small ones too. This planet Earth can survive for millions of years with out any big ants, and the wheels on the bus go round and round.

I don't know, do you?

Many times in life we really do not fully understand something, be it a problem, questions, or more complex issue. The later is what I'm wondering about. These complex issues run the gambit of the very academic in nature, to the very personal. The personal questions that we have, to me are the most interesting. Many times we are not even aware that the issue before us is a questions, that we really do have choices that we can make.

In other cases some of us, have no idea we even have a question that needs to be addressed, in lies in the subconscious mind. It lurks in the dark, hiding from us. These thoughts must be pulled forward, but how can this be done when we don't even know about them. Mostly time, and personal growth add the needed light, and of course professional mental health workers can help.

Over the last eight or so years, I have worked very had to answer many of these complex issues, before that I did not really know about them, or did I? Not to sure about that, the questions about why I did this or that back then did not seem so important. It is a constant struggle to solve these most important issue, and know even more. I don't know what else to do, do you?

Can be rebuilt, really?

Today was my sister Rachel's first of many operations to be performed at William Beaumont Hospital. I was told by her Doctor that this was the worst step of the rebuilding process. To back up a bit, she had her cancer surgery at Karmos Institute, and the Detroit Medical Center. They did the job of destroying her body, yet at the same time saving her life from the ravages of the disease. Today she is cancer free and living strong!

My sweet, lovable sister is so terribly afraid of surgery, procedures, and other medical stuff! Can't blame her, as most of it hurts. They want to cut, snip, and OMG - the stuff they did today is just the fucking start.

More to come soon...

Another Day...

Most days seem to pass with out much to do, yet a few stand out. Today wasn't one of them to brag about, but a few things made it different. Yet, it started out the same, and is ending much the same :-)

I talked with my ex wife for over an hour, without losing my temper, or being to frustrated, but them again the Xanax helps... JK! I was very happy to hear that she has a new companion in her life and seems happy. Yet, something just didn't feel right about what she said about him, nothing major, just a feeling. It has taken a long time for her to find someone that meets all of her qualifications, no idea what they are, but I'm sure he must be nothing like me.

In Fact I was not a very good husband in many ways, but at the time it was the best I could do. In her words today, "It has taken her a long time to trust." I once again did apologize for the pain I had caused her. I'm sure that I'm a much better ex husband, than I was as a husband.

Our conversation was focused around our son, and was a bunch of questions about how he is doing in all the different aspects of his life. It has been about four months since he has spent any time with his Mom, they were having issues for a good while and it finally reached a breaking point in late December. Since them he has been living with me full time.

I'm very conflicted about this issue, I don't feel like I should help her at all, due to her past actions. Overwhelming that is my concern as a father for my son, to repair this most important relationship with his Mother, so I try to help her with hints, advice, etc. I talk to my son endlessly about what has happened, and how he must take steps to correct it, alas it falls on deaf ears and a closed mind. I guess time will tell, and heal, as always.

Silence is Golden, or is it...

We all have moments of stress in our life, when we are faced with choices, situations, and experiences that can be over whelming. I tend to shut down and put a temporary lid on the top of everything, this means everything in my life gets the lid. It covers everthing it seems from me speaking, to my feelings, and even my thoughts, everything is closed up tight, and sealed.

Then I withdraw and try to see how all this can be solved, or dealt with, or pushed away. Wow, that sounds so very easy, but what a bunch of shit it causes. Today I feel assaulted, under siege from all directions. I tend to spend a bit to much time looking at the issue, before acting, or acting before looking at the issue at all. I have the attitude of it can wait, or it will be taken care of later, let me shut down for a while, and then settle down as always. Sometimes, maybe I escape in to the issue and get stuck there for a while, and that while can turn in to longer, and longer.

Every day I work on being able to resolve these stress issues in a better manner, but part of me doesn't want to even consider that. It feels comfortable for me to be swirling around, a stress ball, being attacked from all directions. (All Paladins are used to be under attack in all directions*)

Some of my stress converts to anger, which is much easier for me to wear. Yes, I wear anger like an old pair of comfortable jeans, we have covered miles and years together. You see anger is the first emotion that I convert everything too. Well, almost everything! This was a dysfunctional emotional gift from my "sperm donor", and it is a part of me, for better or worse. It's very rare that this anger boils over, it mostly trickles out. I would write more but I have to address some pressing issues, "stress, to hell with it..."

*Fact taken from the Handbook of Paladins, "Randonammy Books", Phillip Shackelford, Work in process.

New Computer with Vista

It finally happened, I had to give up my old system with my beloved XP operating system. The new computer has all the greatest bells and whistles, but it also has the dreaded OS (Operating system) Vista, which should be called a NOS (Network Operating system), since under the hood it looks more like a server than a traditional OS. Since you have to grant rights to everything, just so the programs can run. You can create users, and grant them permissions to login to your server, err, I mean computer, to share files, etc... Everything about this Vista, seems backwards, it tries to look like a Mac, but has menus and features that remind me of Windows NT.

This is the third day in with the server OS, err, computer OS, and frankly, Microsoft - can go piss off!

Sooner and Later, it seems...

Just like the candy now and later, sooner and later it seems that most of us, come to a Ah-ha moment in life. Some refer to this as self discovery, to the more refined it can be coined the moment of enlightenment. A second in which life finally comes into focus, and the beauty of it is reviled.

It might be as simple as the monk who found the meaning in his masters lesson, who simply held a simple flower in front of him. The only problem is that the rest of the monks in the room did not understand. How can you show anyone the true meaning of something, when they lack the vision to see beyond what the material properties of something is. The flower for instance transends time, culture, and beauty that many of us simply can not understand.